RAW is the same show every fuckin week lately, and I’m getting sick bothering my arse aboot it. Don’t mistake this kinda grumpy start as the tone of this review eh? I’ll make it as sunny and hilarious as humanly possible as we go on, but I’d like tae say right away, that its gettin extremely difficult tae pretend tae be invested in RAW as a weekly show, when its full of the same shite. Same injustices. Same everythin, different toon. Yer client Brock Lesner conquered the streak, Daniel Bryan might get fucked over, and will certainly get a doing aff Kane. Big E and his marvellous bouncy chebs remains underutilised. Drew Mcintyre remains in the best shape of his life, so he can job to various Mexicans of various statures, and fuckin Batista. Aw the time. Batista in ma face wae his stupid tattoos and popsocks. I hate ye Dave. Ye’ve got considerably fitter and more able in the ring wae every passing week since yer comeback and I still hate ye wae a fiery passion. Fuck ye and yer permanently mistimed shanner of a spear.
Ahh Smackdown, mind how gid a show it used to be? Every saturday morning on sky 1, cereal in hand and butterflies in belly. It was all I looked forward to. But things change. And changed they certainly have. Lately Smackdown offers nothing, it appeals to me zero. I attempt to watch, I try so very hard but I usually pick my phone up and search pictures of Ambrose pierced ear instead. But, and here is where I contradict myself, this week’s show was good, really good. It was a packed with ACTUAL WRESTLING. Who’d a though it eh?
When a show opens with a delightful match it really makes life that wee bit better.
Justice for Ambrose.
In all my years I’ve never been exposed to such an atrocity as the one we were forced to suffer through on this weeks episode of RAW. I like to try to make these reviews fun to read. Interesting. Entertaining. I tend to type something close to the way I speak, and people seem to enjoy that. This week I am no mood for fun. No mood for hi-jinks. No mood to be the jolly joking japester that you’ve come to know and want to spend your lives with. For there is no justice in this cold cold world we live in. There are no rewards for those excel at what their chosen profession. Only jealous backstabbing cunts praying for their downfall. Dean Ambrose found this out to his peril on this weeks RAW as he had the United States Title, which he held so proudly, and defended so valiantly , STOLEN from him. Fucking STOLEN. No other way to describe this. Booking the champion in a 20 man battle royal with his belt on the line? You might as well have stuck one of his legs up his rectum, and made him defend it in an ass kicking contest (that’s how stringently we’re sticking to the no slang thing here…an ass kicking contest, deal with it)
Dean Ambrose of course fought like the warrior he is. Because Dean Ambrose is a winner, and winners never quit. As intrigued as a I was at the prospect of someone like Heath Slater, or Fandango receiving a much-needed push by storming in and taking the title here, neither of them are Dean Ambrose. So fuck them. Fuck anyone on the planet not named Dean Ambrose. Fuck their hopes, dreams and ambitions. Ugh. You guys, I am suuuuper cheesed off.
Justice for Ambrose
Know who else deserves some justice? Dolph Ziggler. Dolph Ziggler was eliminated from this battle royal by a sock masquerading as a snake. This time last year he was World Heavyweight Champion. Know who else deserves some justice? Damien Sandow. Damien Sandow was eliminated by a combination of Sheamus’ chest beating spot and Heath Slater, and without being disrespectful to Heath, that’s fucking depressing. It makes you wonder if they ever intended on putting the World Heavyweight Belt on Sandow, or if it was all a giant dick tease. It took me ages to “get” Sandow as well, and it seemed that as soon as I did, he found himself buried under a pile of unfulfilled promises and gimmicks that require him to dress in some manner of colourful suit. A TRAVESTY.
Ach I cannae keep this up. I’m no even that upset about Ambrose drappin the US Belt really. He done fuck all wae it, and with it passed off to a lesser talent, he’s free and clear to fulfill his destiny of one day having aw the belts. No just in professional wrestling either, I mean aw the worlds belts. It is Dean Ambrose’ aim to somehow gather in every single belt in the civilised world, and sit back with his feet up watching a thousand monitors dedicated to capturing the beltless masses having to walk around with their troosers at their ankles. I dunno if this is a weird fetish thing or whit. I don’t even know whit the fuck I’m talking about at this stage. Sheamus won the battle royal but. Sheamus is the new US Champ. Good for him eh? Rumour has it that he might be the guy the join Evolution and I’d be intae that. If only tae see him adopt their fake tanning routine. I’ve always wondered whit the contrast between tan and PURE UNADULTERATED GINGER would be like.
Whit an extra special treat yees are in for btw. Fuckin THREE Extreme Rules reviews gaun on this here site mate. Three. Will three dae ye? Is three enough? TOUGH SHITE IF IT ISNAE. The option of upgrading to 5 is not available, cause this is literally everyone I know.
Anyway, here’s my attempt. It probably wont be as thorough as previous ones cause I cannae be arsed, and I figure if I miss anything important, one of my staff will pick it up. I widnae call them reliable, or even competent but they are human beings with feelings so don’t judge their substandard efforts too harshly eh…with that being said…FUCK THE RIOTS. 😉 (in this case Davie and Connie are the Riots, cause ye see, they’re a coupla fuckin riots! thats the joke)
Fine. I’ll review a fuckin wrestling show then.
Ah Cena. What a puzzle you are big yin. I went through an intense period of being mibbe overly pro-Cena for a bit there. I’d find myself waking up in the middle of the night wae dynamite ideas for slogans and once I’d jotted down the idea, I’d slowly walk towards a blackboard and write “Its ok if ye cannae dae a hurricanrana, it really is, I accept you” repeatedly tae the chalk became nuhin but dust. Ever since he entered this feud wae Bray Wyatt its aw changed. Don’t get me wrong, I respect the fuck out of Cena, both as a wrestler and as an ambassador for wrestling, but as a character? Naaaaaaah. No for me on this occasion. At times he’s been masterful at selling his fear for the work of Bray Wyatt, but since Mania the cunt has made me want surgically remove that square hairdo (square-do?) of his wae a machete. He just stoated oot this week n started saying “why?” ….why whit John? Why are you so acutely unaware of what wrestling fans want outta ye? Why is the sun round? Why does Bob Backlund always look like he’s stoatin about a car park lookin for his Ford Focus, when he’s drove a Cavalier aw alang? Who gies a shite. He actually cut a decent promo here right enough. His best since Mania. After lamenting the WWE Universes decision tae make him face all 3 Wyatts last week. He goes on tae big up everyone fae Daniel Bryan tae Sami fuckin Zayn, before warning us about the dangers of buying in tae Bray Wyatts message. Bray Wyatts message on a larger scale wisnae important the night though, he had a particular message tae be sendin Cenas way tonight, and that message wis “STOP EVERYTHING YER DAEIN AND IMMEDIATELY PISH YER JEAN SHORTS!”
Aye. Bray had a squad of weans oot singing He’s Got The Whole World in his hands, and it wis…..I don’t really have the words. Naw I dae. It wis fuckin scary. Chilling in the best way. They surrounded the ring in sheeps masks, like a merry band of tiny Erick Rowans, and continued tae drive home the message. Even the weans dont want ye anymore John. I mean there’s a gid chance this particular squad of weans are hired actors n that, but the message is that naecunt wants ye anymore. Yer time’s up. Yer tea’s oot. Its over. Find a new profession.
The way Bray almost narrated whit wis going on, as he urged the “Little bitty babies” tae sing with him. Laughin maniacally while one of them sat on his knee. “He’s got the whole Cenation…in his hands” was the cry, and even if that isnae quite the case yet, that has tae be the aim eh? Get aw these daft bairns that wear the wristbands, the heidbands, n the fuckin nappies or whitever else they sling wae his slogans on it, and turn them intae demons. Make them grow beards, get weird and disappear intae the mountains. Make them follow the buzzards.
For a lot of people pro wrestling blurs the line between entertainment and reality. Its an escape. A way tae leave the troubles you experience in every day life behind, and life vicariously through these superheroes. Superheroes who make a living fae kicking fuck outta their fellow superheroes, in a co-ordinated but chaotic way. Its organised chaos and at its best its fuckin captivating. It can make ye completely forget that this is all just a show. Ye become entrenched in these storylines, to the point of near delirium. It draws ye in, it makes ye believe obscene things to be true, and allows ye tae deny the blatantly obvious as it stares you in the face. Daniel Bryan has always been quite special in that regard, as he comes across as the everyman. A guy of average height and build, just like me and you (well he’s got smaller diddies than me, and probably didnae spend his Tuesday scrannin Jaffa Cakes, but thats no important right now) so the attachment tae him is a wee bit more real. When he was getting pumped fae aw angles in his pursuit of the WWE World Heavyweight Title ye felt like it was a personal slight, and when he finally prevailed at Mania, even if ye weren’t his biggest fan ye felt….somethin. A degree of pride. A happiness for him as a man, and as a wrestler, so when he came down the ramp tae start this weeks RAW, on the verge of tears, with his new wife Brie Bella waiting in the ring for him, yer heart just bled for the poor cunt. A wonderful 2 weeks, which should have been the launchpad for the best years of his professional and personal life, but life sometimes disnae want tae play ball.
There’s never a good time tae learn of the passing of a loved one, but when its someone as significant as yer father, and it comes at a time where pretty much everything ye could possibly want in life seems to be finally coming to fruition, its got tae be fuckin. I dunno. There’s nae words that dae it justice really, and while I admire his dedication for appearing on RAW at all this week, ye have to assume it was more of a tribute to his fathers memory than an overbearing love for the wrestling business, cause at times like these…the business just disnae matter. None of it does. Its a job at the end of the day. One Daniel Bryan does better than most, but one that really disnae matter a fuck. Get yersell up the road and gie yer wee mammy a cuddle Daniel san.
The segment was good and made hunners of sense, but I’ll no go on about it too much cause it just disnae matter. The pain etched on DBrys face as him and his new wife saluted the crowd in YES! chants wis heartbreaking, but perhaps it had never been more fitting as he thrust his fingers towards the heavens wae a wee bit more gusto than usual. . It was almost an act of staunch definace from DBry. Staunin out there in front of all those people, taking tombstone after tombstone from Kane, and huvin tae listen while Steph almost rips the pish out him as he gets wheeled up the aisle on a stretcher, when he probably just wanted tae go home. His auld da would have been proud of him. Basically the purpose of the segment was tae announce Daniel Bryan vs Kane for Extreme Rules, and the tombstones (one outside the ring, one on the steel steps and one on the announce table just incase yer wondering) helped sell Kane as a monster once again, but none of it mattered. What matters is that oor DBry is given as much time off as he needs.
I don’t think the news about Warrior really hit me until RAW kicked off this week. I know that’s daft, but I think it kinda went by in a haze for me personally. He’s no been a lasting favourite of mine. I remember being daft on him when I was wee, but as things started tae emerge about how he wis as a person, I found myself soured towards him. Ye’d like tae think a lot of that anger and resentment built up from his acrimonious relationship wae a business he once loved, but it still disnae excuse some of his more radical comments as a public speaker. That being said, its unquestionable that The Ultimate Warrior was a huge influence on professional wrestling, and pop culture in general. I know this’ll sound daft, but the reason I know that for certain is the simple fact that my maw remembers him. She remembers 3 wrestlers from back in the days when I used tae sit in the living room, watchin Summerslam 90 every other day, and the three are Hulk Hogan, The Undertaker and THEEEE ULTIMATE WARRRRRIOR. That says a lot tae me. A wee wuman wae nae interest in pro wrestling whatsoever. Sees it as a joke. But Warrior stuck in her mind. I don’t think ye could fail tae notice the boundless energy and enthusiasm he injected intae his work, and whilst he wis never a very good wrestler, he was involved in some of my favourite matches of the early 90s. Obviously that stoater wae Hogan where he won the WWE Title, but my personal favourite is the Steel Cage match wae Rick Rude at Summerslam 90. A beauty of a match, underrated as fuck. Anyway, I went away on a tangent there, but the point is. Warrior is clearly an inconic figure in wrestling history, and to see him pass away days after he finally made his peace with WWE after being inducted into the HoF…its saddening. More importantly he leaves two young daughters and a wife behind, so no matter what you thought of him as a person and a wrestler, that’s the main thing ye need tae remember. His family need tae adjust tae a life without him in it. The roster gathered on the stage tae watch a beautiful video package detailing his life and career, including the part of his HoF speech which seen him bring his two young daughters on stage and tell them that being their da will always be his greatest achievement. 3 days later he was deid. Fuckin…..there’s nae words. Wee Nattie and Cody Rhodes bawlin their hearts oot on stage anaw. R.I.P Ultimate Warrior.
Nothing’s the same.
No matter how hard ye try tae sugar coat it, explain it away with logic and clear thinking, and even explain it away wae conspiracy theories if that’s yer thing (it shouldn’t be btw) there’s nae words for it ataw, ye just wake up wae this unshakeable feeling that the course of the world have been altered for good. Yer children will watch something inherently different fae the thing you watched when ye brainwash them intae (not optional) wrestling fandom, yer children’s children probably wont even know about the way it was before ataw, cause by that the internet will become an environment ye can physically enter, and when that becomes the case, everycunts gaun straight for the porn, while the ghosts of wrestling past sit in a wee room. Ignored. Longing for hits. Longing for you to care.
It all changed last night. Nothing’s the same. It could never be the same again.
I ran intae a wall heid first earlier just tae see if I still bleed like mortals do. I looked at the gash on ma heid, and the blood pouring oot it, and aw the way down ma hairy chin, whilst an imaginary 50s housewife appeared over my shoulder and said “you’ve been in the wars eh!” I looked in the mirror and sighed. The blood wis real, but nothing else is. Its all different maaaaaan. Its all like…..weird n stuff.
Because as I sit here today, a man of 24 years and 362 days, 16 hours and 12 minutes, I sit here as a man who witnessed it end. A man who who looked upon the rubble like a slack jawed windae licker and couldnae comprehend whit he wis seeing. The horror still hasn’t wore aff. The lack of comprehension will never fade. That wee niggling feeling of “why?…why now…and why him” will never fully shift, cause as I type this words tae ye on this solemn Monday evening, I’ve got a bitta bad news for ye mucker. It finally happened. Strap yersell for some news that will change the way you see it aw….cause it happened….
David Otunga has returned to in-ring action.
I know! couldnae fuckin believe ma eyes either. For aw the predictions we seen tossed about for the 3 open slots in the battle royal, there’s wan we didnae anticipate. The lord of litigation himself, Davie Otunga returning, tae steal our hearts and minds. I cannae be the only cunt who missed big Dave surely? Think about it this way, of the two Daves who have returned tae WWE in recent months, who makes ye want tae fly kick the side of yer tele more? Davie O or Davie B? Exactly mate. Welcome back tae the fold Otunga ma man, and here…welcome tae this Wrestlemania 30 review. Strap yersells in and get comfy cause this shit is gonnae get intense baby. I’d love tae tell ye I dont mean hauf the stuff I’m about tae say, and its really not that serious, but trust me..I mean it aw. Every fuckin painstaking horrendous emotion. Nae half measures ma man, this is where the eyes of the world are on wrestling and this is when ye just cannae fuck it up. No in a big way anyway. So its far fae ideal when ye kick off wae Hulk Hogan saying words. A very real and very serious risk if his hauners arent fuckin stellar, and d’ye know whit? They were probably the finest hauners any man has ever had. I dunno if thats pure dumb luck, or they were only sent oot tae save the poor cunt cause he wis dying on his glaikit auld erse, but it didnae matter, cause they formed like Voltron. Before aw that we had some pre-show gidness fae some solid boayzies.
Its Mania. It’s the biggest show of the year. Its words about the biggest show of the year. Ye intae it? thats aw I’ve got tae ask ye ma man. Are ye intae it? Is Hulk Hogan gonnae be the hostess wae the mostest or is he gonnae slevver through everything he does and make the whole hing awkward as fuck? Whits Stone Cold gonnae be daein? will it be some backstage pish or is he gonnae stunner every cunt in that battle royal and win it for himself? Whits Brad Maddox gonnae be uptae, apart fae fillin jam jars wae the sweat he wrings oot his boxers? and last but not least, will we see CM Punk? Should we gie a fuck if we dae or no?
Aw these questions will be answered over the course of a 6 hour show. That’s right mate aye, 2 hour pre-show, 4 hour main card. 6 hours. 6 hours and we couldnae get a Cesaro vs Ziggler 60 minute iron man match in there somewhere. It’s a fuckin travesty.