Daniel Bryan Made Me Care.

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The overriding thing people talk about when discussing the problems with the current WWE product is a lot of emotional investment. As good as a lot of the performers are, it all feels the same. Every RAW feels choreographed. Even the most shocking moments feel like they’ve been meticulously planned months in advance. It’s all just forced. Roman Reigns is a great athlete and a better character than he’s given credit for. When they keep him away from the mic and leave him to destroy everything in his path, he’s a believable, passionate big guy, but people are almost put off because they KNOW he’s the guy they’re supposed to like. They know every move made to make him look good is designed to make you like him and to turn him into this mega-star they see him as and people don’t like that idea so take it out on Roman the character. That’s not even a problem for modern wrestling in general, that’s just human nature. People don’t particularly like being told what to do, and Daniel Bryan embodied that natural discontent towards authority better than anyone in the modern era of wrestling. Couple that with him being better than everyone at wrestling itself? We had something pretty special in Daniel Bryan, and the fact that as of last night, that special thing has been forced to not do one the things that made it so special is heartbreaking. We’re allowed to almost mourn the death of that side of Daniel Bryan, because he was so incredible at wrestling that it feels like we’ve lost everything to do with him, but you know what? We really haven’t.

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When Daniel Bryan delivered his farewell speech at last night’s RAW, he done something quite special. The emotion of the whole segment was undeniable but if you look past that for a second and break down the speech itself, it wasn’t a speech at all. It was a conversation. Daniel Bryan had each and every person in that audience united as one voice and he spoke to them. Asked them questions, waited on their responses. Said things that made emotions pour out of them uncontrollably, and even threw in a majorly geeky sex joke followed by the cheesiest smile you’ll ever see. He had absolute command over that audience, and not because they pitied him, but because he is still just that good. Even if he’s not the most naturally gifted ‘talker’ he doesn’t have to be. People connect with it no matter what, because they connect with everything he is. He represents the guy they didn’t want you to like. The guy THEY didn’t want to like, but had no choice in the matter. That’s special in itself. A guy without the physical gifts WWE usually favour, and without a huge all consuming personality to mask that, STILL made it to the top. He made the weekly product unmissable while he pursued the titles he felt were rightfully his as well, and the only reason “The Authority” exists right now is because they were the chief antagonists to what he was trying to accomplish. They’d have been the villains by default even if they didn’t deliberately portray those characters and that’s what Daniel Bryan provided. The good guy who was so good, that ANYONE looked like a villain when paired with him.

It would be patronising if I claimed I was one of those people who followed his whole career, from the indies, to the wrestling road diaries, from the vegan transition and back on to meat transition, from the wee beard to the big beard and back to the wee beard again. While I’ve retrospectively watched a lot of his pre WWE stuff and been impressed, him being one of my all time favourites comes solely from his work with WWE. He made me care about a product I had watched indifferently for years. At times being an adult and watching weekly WWE programming can be a mind numbing thing. Repeat matches on RAW and Smackdown making all the wrestling feel the same. Repeat storylines rendering The Big Show more of a giant split personality disorder in a singlet, than a pro wrestler. Daniel Bryan made it matter again. He made Wrestlemania 30 feel like one of those iconic nights in wrestling history and the fact that injury has made that moment the pinnacle of his career as opposed to it being the start of something truly amazing will forever be tinged with sadness. Criticise WWE for holding guys down all you like. To a degree a lot of it is true, but when its completely undeniable that a guy is more “over” than everyone else and has the in-ring ability to match? They will always go with that guy, and putting the title on him on the same night he beat Triple H clean was proof that they were all in. Daniel Bryan was the guy and if he stayed healthy he would STILL be that guy. Probably right in the middle of one of the best feuds in WWE history with Seth Rollins, who quietly became the perfect opponent for Daniel Bryan before his own injury saw his dreams put on hold.

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The one thing Daniel Bryan and Seth Rollins have in common above all other things is that they have both broken their bodies for your entertainment. A lot of the damage done to their bodies happened before they have the platform with the WWE that they have now, which is a testament to just how dedicated they are and have always been. Seth Rollins will certainly be back and I have no doubt there’s another 5-10-15-20-30 years for him left at the top if he wants them but Daniel Bryan’s situation and Seth’s own current injury should act as a cautionary tale. Maybe the buckle bombs and all the suicide dives should be saved for the big occasions. Maybe it’s ok to ask to sit out of a few house shows now and then because your body just wont let you be the wrestler you want to be. It ok to prioritise yourself to maximise this career, because once its over, its fucking done. This is not a Terry Funk retirement, this is very real. Right now if Daniel Bryan wrestles again, there’s a chance it could lead to him never being able to walk again so as heartbreaking as it was, this is how it has to be. It doesn’t have to be this way for everyone.

It’s ok to be sad today, but that farewell speech should tell you everything you need to know about Daniel Bryan and his connection with the fans. It was never a fad. It didn’t just happen because people naturally back the underdog, it happened because Daniel Bryan is just that good. Even though we will never get to see him wrestle again, his legacy goes far beyond that and if the right role presents itself, he could easily be a guy who makes WWE programming unmissable again as a non-wrestling character. You would imagine being so close to it all would be too much for him to bear as every fibre of his being still wants to be a professional wrestler, and even if that is the case, he’ll still probably captivate us when he goes off to have a family and disappears into the woods for the rest of his days, because he was put on this earth to do just that. Thank you Daniel Bryan. For everything you gave us, but above all else, thank you for making me care again.

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What’s In A Name? The Ballad of Finn Balor (and the demonisation of WWE)

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“Fuckin Finn Balor….what the fuck WWE?!?!? Did you just open up a book of generic Irish names, and the first one you sneezed on was the name you gave him? I knew WWE were going to ruin him…..soon as he signed on the dotted line, I just knew…” Continue reading

The Daily Thing – Day Nine (Money In The Bank Reaction)

Money In The Bank eh. A wrestling show. Don’t mistake this for a review btw, I’ll do that properly at some point. This is more of an initial reaction thing, although it will contain SPOILERS and many of them, in case ye were daft enough to not get that fae the title. I think ye got it though. Ye seem like a smart guy. That’s what I’ve always liked about you pal. That intuition. That’ll serve ye well in later life. Well, that and the delicious rump ye happen tae be sporting, but this isnae about you and yer terrific tail, it’s about the Money In The Bank PPV.

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The Daily Thing – Day Eight (WWE MITB Preview/Predictions)

Aye I’m cheating a bit, so whit. Wanna fight abahd it? I cannae be arsed writing a MITB preview AND something else for the Daily Thing, so I figured we’d kill 2 birds wae the one stane and combine the two. I’ve still no reviewed RAW yet either. Fuckin disgrace man. In my defence….I don’t really have a defence, so I’ll shut the fuck up and write this MITB Preview.

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WWE RAW Review 16/06/2014

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Made a right song and dance about last weeks RAW Review eh? Kinda hard tae live uptae that in some ways. Namely me no really giving that much of a fuck about it this week. I started with that mindset anyway, and then the show only went and gave me numerous stauners, and sare heids wae the sheer activity of it.

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WWE RAW Review 09/06/2014 – SPECIAL EDITION, BIRTHDAY N THAT

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WWE RAW Review 02/06/2014 (by Connie Williams)

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Its Raw time bitches. It’s no really because I’m writing this review a few days after. Let’s pretend. Pretending is fun. See, this paticular Raw had me baffled, I didn’t understand because 1. it was the most mediocre Raw of the year and 2. It was the most thrilling tragically beautiful Raw of the year. How can a show be both these things? I don’t know how, but it happened. Vince must have been like ‘right boays, let’s make everyhin shit, cept the last few minutes, we’ll make that gid’. That’s truly what I believe happened. I won’t give the surprise away in case you’re the only person in the whole world who never saw what happened.

Beak, Nae eyes and dunderheed aka Evolution are out to cut a promo. Trips says the shieldsies think they won, but Evolution will continue to fight until they ceast to exist. Batista’s no chuffed though, he’s wanting to know when he’ll get his title shot that Trips promised him, says he’s sick of the Shieldsies. Trips reminds him that he is the leader, but Batista doesn’t care, he wants his title shot tonight. Trips tells him wee Dbrys injured. He says Batista won’t want to be remembered as a guy who can’t end a fight and once they take the shieldsies down, he can have whatever he wants but until then no one is getting anything. Batista quits, does a wee wave and walks out. Trips is raging, tells him to run back to Hollywood but not to return when he flops.

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WWE RAW Review 25/05/2014

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RAW is the same show every fuckin week lately, and I’m getting sick bothering my arse aboot it. Don’t mistake this kinda grumpy start as the tone of this review eh? I’ll make it as sunny and hilarious as humanly possible as we go on, but I’d like tae say right away, that its gettin extremely difficult tae pretend tae be invested in RAW as a weekly show, when its full of the same shite. Same injustices. Same everythin, different toon. Yer client Brock Lesner conquered the streak, Daniel Bryan might get fucked over, and will certainly get a doing aff Kane. Big E and his marvellous bouncy chebs remains underutilised. Drew Mcintyre remains in the best shape of his life, so he can job to various Mexicans of various statures, and fuckin Batista. Aw the time. Batista in ma face wae his stupid tattoos and popsocks. I hate ye Dave. Ye’ve got considerably fitter and more able in the ring wae every passing week since yer comeback and I still hate ye wae a fiery passion. Fuck ye and yer permanently mistimed shanner of a spear.

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WWE RAW Review 12/05/2014

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Dean Ambrose.

Rock tha Micra-phone.

Stereo…with the Dean Ambrose

When RAW starts wae Dean Ambrose on the mic, RAW starts aff properly. RAW starts aff the way god intended. His words weren’t spectacular. He told us The Shield are up more than they’re down, which is quite obviously a reference tae whit kinda swedge they’re intae, but he delivers the words in a way that makes me wantae tattoo his name on the back of my haun and go about slapping folk tae they get the message. Dean Ambrose is the guy. He will have justice one day.

Justice for Ambrose

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WWE RAW Review 05/05/2014

Justice for Ambrose. 

In all my years I’ve never been exposed to such an atrocity as the one we were forced to suffer through on this weeks episode of RAW. I like to try to make these reviews fun to read. Interesting. Entertaining. I tend to type something close to the way I speak, and people seem to enjoy that. This week I am no mood for fun. No mood for hi-jinks. No mood to be the jolly joking japester that you’ve come to know and want to spend your lives with. For there is no justice in this cold cold world we live in. There are no rewards for those excel at what their chosen profession. Only jealous backstabbing cunts praying for their downfall. Dean Ambrose found this out to his peril on this weeks RAW as he had the United States Title, which he held so proudly, and defended so valiantly , STOLEN from him. Fucking STOLEN. No other way to describe this. Booking the champion in a 20 man battle royal with his belt on the line? You might as well have stuck one of his legs up his rectum, and made him defend it in an ass kicking contest (that’s how stringently we’re sticking to the no slang thing here…an ass kicking contest, deal with it)

A disgrace.

Dean Ambrose of course fought like the warrior he is. Because Dean Ambrose is a winner, and winners never quit. As intrigued as a I was at the prospect of someone like Heath Slater, or Fandango receiving a much-needed push by storming in and taking the title here, neither of them are Dean Ambrose. So fuck them. Fuck anyone on the planet not named Dean Ambrose. Fuck their hopes, dreams and ambitions. Ugh. You guys, I am suuuuper cheesed off.

Justice for Ambrose

Know who else deserves some justice? Dolph Ziggler. Dolph Ziggler was eliminated from this battle royal by a sock masquerading as a snake. This time last year he was World Heavyweight Champion. Know who else deserves some justice? Damien Sandow. Damien Sandow was eliminated by a combination of Sheamus’ chest beating spot and Heath Slater, and without being disrespectful to Heath, that’s fucking depressing. It makes you wonder if they ever intended on putting the World Heavyweight Belt on Sandow, or if it was all a giant dick tease. It took me ages to “get” Sandow as well, and it seemed that as soon as I did, he found himself buried under a pile of unfulfilled promises and gimmicks that require him to dress in some manner of colourful suit. A TRAVESTY.

Ach I cannae keep this up. I’m no even that upset about Ambrose drappin the US Belt really. He done fuck all wae it, and with it passed off to a lesser talent, he’s free and clear to fulfill his destiny of one day having aw the belts. No just in professional wrestling either, I mean aw the worlds belts. It is Dean Ambrose’ aim to somehow gather in every single belt in the civilised world, and sit back with his feet up watching a thousand monitors dedicated to capturing the beltless masses having to walk around with their troosers at their ankles. I dunno if this is a weird fetish thing or whit. I don’t even know whit the fuck I’m talking about at this stage. Sheamus won the battle royal but. Sheamus is the new US Champ. Good for him eh? Rumour has it that he might be the guy the join Evolution and I’d be intae that. If only tae see him adopt their fake tanning routine. I’ve always wondered whit the contrast between tan and PURE UNADULTERATED GINGER would be like.

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