HELLO! Continue reading
“Fuckin Finn Balor….what the fuck WWE?!?!? Did you just open up a book of generic Irish names, and the first one you sneezed on was the name you gave him? I knew WWE were going to ruin him…..soon as he signed on the dotted line, I just knew…” Continue reading
Thank fuck for the abject fickleness of modern technology eh. Cause without the hard camera at PROGRESS – Chapter 13 failing, we wouldn’t have been given the gift of seeing the show for fuck all. It says a lot about the dedication to the fanbase that the owners have that they deemed this unfit to charge any money for, cause let me let ye in on a wee secret troops. They absolutely could have charged money for this. Hard camera or not, this is easily one of the most complete wrestling shows I’ve seen all year. To the point that if I had run it, and all I had from it was a few blurry polaroids and a tape recording of Rampage Brown screaming “WRESTLING!” into a tin can, I’d charge a fee for folk just to have the privilege of being exposed to that. If you like indie promotions with a commitment to storytelling and building its own stars as opposed to relying on imports to shift tickets…PROGRESS has all of those things.
If you have your finger on the Indie Wrestling pulse, you’ll have probably heard that PROGRESS were giving away their Chapter 13 show for free due to issues with their hard camera on the night. I heard this and immediately thought “Yass…I’ll watch the fuck out of that” cause I’d heard numerous good things about PROGRESS, and was particularly intrigued to see Jimmy Havoc morph into the evil probably murderous bastard that I’d heard he portrays in PROGRESS, but I didnae see the show blowing me away as much as it did. Gonnae write a full review of it tomorrow, but for now, here’s some reasons why I think you should stop whitever stupid shite you happen to be doing right now (unless its performing surgery, you should probably finish that first) and watch it until you can’t watch anymore, watch it until yer eyes are bloodshot and weary. Watch it until…well, watch it until its finished. The whole show. Dae it.
1. Rampage Brown Continue reading
It’s always been an alien concept to me, this idea of fans wanting to get “In” with the indie scene in their area, or even on a wider scale, with the big companies. There seems to be a small band of folk who feel the need to try to force their way behind the curtain and be a part of the show, and while I’m not knocking anyone who wants to be involved in the business and will try to force the issue a bit to get involved, it’s the folk who have designs on doing so when they have little to offer that confuse me.
I suppose I see wrestling a different way from those people. It’s the same with anything in the public eye. There are folk who exist on social media sites purely to post inane messages to people who are involved in a particular area of interest to them. Anything from footballers to pornstars. I just don’t get that at all. For me wrestling, football and a couple of other things offer an escape. Wrestling in particular offers you the opportunity to take your mind elsewhere, and personally its been a god send to me at times when times have been rough mentally. I don’t understand why anyone would try to sabotage that removal from reality by forcing relationships with folk involved in the business, and trying to find a way “in”, because people are flawed. Wrestling is no different to any other field in that regard. So why jeopardise your enjoyment for a form of entertainment that doubles as a bit of well needed escapism, by making it personal? Making it real? Say you became best pals with your favourite wrestler, and he wound up pumpin yer missus stupid? Not only do you lose a best pal tae a heiderin induced coma, but thats yer favourite wrestler ruined for life. Partly because when you look at him, aw ye see is a guy that pumped yer missus, and also…guys in comas usually aren’t very good at wrestling.
(tried like fuck to keep this one in plain english, but fuck it)
Point is, why take something you enjoy and sour it by involving people? People are fucked up. Universally. I think we aw sometimes consider ourselves to be more fucked up than the next guy, but the vast majority of us are just normal, mistake making, occasionally neurotic, fucked up cunts. Fucked up is the new normal, and it probably always has been, but folk are a lot more open about it these days. Willing to share their innermost thoughts and secrets at the drop of a hat on the internet, because “fuck it…its only the internet eh!” That one definitely wont backfire on ye mate! Nae chance.
That’s why I’m always personally reluctant to meet my heroes. A prime example being Fergal Devitts last appearance for ICW in Newcastle recently. I’ve had my photo with Fergal once before and everyone I’ve spoken to who’s met him say that he’s one of the nicest, most down to earth folk you could meet. Heartening to hear. He does seem like he has a lot of time for fans and appreciates that without them he wouldn’t be where he is today, but I just couldnae dae it this time. He’s been such a big part of me becoming personally invested in the wrasslin again, that I just couldnae risk it. What if he asked my name, I say “Martin” we take the photie and he says “Cheers Marvin” …Imagine that happened. I stoat away in a Devitt induced haze, before my brain clicks intae gear and goes “Haw! he just called ye Marvin!” and by the time ye look round tae correct him, the next person’s swooped in for their photie. Ye immediately whip oot yer notepad (don’t fuckin try n tell me no everyone carries a notepad at all times…I’m no hearing it) Scribble “IT’S ACTUALLY MARTIN!” on a bit of paper, roll it intae a wee baw and chuck it at him, and whilst he does read it and gives ye a wee nod of acknowledgement, ye cannae ever have that moment back. He called ye Marvin. That happened. That’s the risk ye run of making it real. So I admired from afar instead, occasionally mouthing “Please don’t go…they wont love you in WWE like we do” in his direction. The point is, people make mistakes. Someone you admire might insult you on a personal level without realising, and even if its a moment you’d brush off if it occurred in real life, it holds more weight if you look up to that person. If a man on the street called ye a “specky prick” you’d be a bit annoyed, but you’d let it go quickly. Or ye might knock the cunt out. I dunno if you’re a violent sort of chap or not. But imagine if Bob Backlund called you a specky prick? All of a sudden it takes on added significance cause its Bob Backlund, and even though people keep telling ye “He’s properly mental, dont sweat it” Ye find yersell in a support group for folk who’ve been called a specky prick by former WWE Champions, but its not a support group at all its just you and Teddy Long in a room…eatin doughnuts. Not saying a fucking word.
Fuck knows what my point is here. I feel like I’m approaching it now, but it depends which words appear as we gently approach the final countdown. Nae need tae lube up pal, I’m comin in wet (thats a metaphor of some kind…seriously…naw really..it is) Aye so…by all means, if you feel like ye’ve got something in particular that could make you an integral part of the wrestling business, then pursue the shit out of it. Tell everyone and anyone who’ll listen that you’re the guy who could make the light dance off Jamie Feericks coupon in a way that makes him look like a young James Dean. Tell everycunt and their granda that the glow in the dark elbowpads yer manufacturing will be all the rage one day, and you should get in on the ground floor. Tell everyone that when yer baw slips out every time ye do a frog splash, that it’s not a bad thing…..It’s…a good thing, but if yer gonnae make a point of turning the fantasy world of professional wrestling into something real, don’t be too upset when it bites ye in the arse. If you value that pedestal you have your favourite wrestler on that much, don’t risk its destruction by being involved in the fucked up human side of their lives. Cause they’re just like me and you. They don’t have a fuckin clue, and you shouldn’t expect any different just cause they can properly apply a chinlock and despite your best attempts…you cannot.
Show Me Your Lizard was quite a beautiful saga when ye think about it. A show that sold out over a month in advance without a match announced leaves the company with a bit of a unique perspective, because really, they’re under no obligation to announce anything. So instead of announcing matches to cultivate ticket sales, say nothing. Make it a big surprise. Leave the possibility of the whole thing being a front for an adult orientated Singing Kettle show well and truly open. ICW weren’t quite that bold, but with only 4 matches announced, there wis plenty of scope tae make it a night packed with twists, turns, stauners, heart attacks…mare stauners….probably tears, blood? Aye I reckon there’s gonnae be some blood somewhere, and most importantly of course…hunners ah fuckin wrestling!
We had out obligatory opening gambits from the bold Billy Kirkwood, and his co-presenter of ICW Worldwide Veronica LeStrange, and naebdy gets a party started like Billy. That man has called me a sexy motherfucker on countless occasions now, and it still gets me soakin every time. Nothing can really compare tae the level of satisfaction ye get from knowing that a hairy, tatooed man fae Ayrshire finds ye sexy. So with nipples suitably pointed, and baws with a warm welcoming glow aboot them, we were introduced tae his co-commentator for the evening. The recently retired Jackie Polo. Still favouring the neck injury he picked up fae cunnilingual activities wae yer maw and/or sister, he stood by his retirement announcement and spoke of his future prospects as a top class talent agent, and full time advocate for the wearing of suit jaickets without the accompanying suit troosers..anyway. WRESTLIN!
So Grado isnae at this show. That is a disappointment of course, as Grado certainly adds something to every show he’s on. Nae doubt he’d do the same at this one, but Grado disnae make ICW what it is. Grado is one of a great number of talented, important people who are part of making ICW one of the most diverse and entertaining indie wrestling companies in the world. So if you’re a cunt going tae tomorrows show with a negative mindset cause of Grados non involvement, either sell yer ticket tae somecunt who wants it, or sell yer arse for choclate buttons. Just dont fuckin detract from the show that does take place wae any kind of incessant Grado chanting, huvin BO, or being a wank in any way, shape or form. Ta much. x