Some people are born to do certain things in professional wrestling. To the point that once they find that thing, or it finds them, that there’s really nae point in trying to do anything else. I realise indie wrestlers have to get used to playing different roles in different promotions, but sometimes there’s nae point. If you find the thing that you’re masterful at.. The thing that makes people’s jaws drop, and has them eating out the palm of yer hand every single time. Do that thing. Do it over and fucking over again, and when people ask ye why, ask them if they’d ask a dolphin why it swims? Nope. Would they ask an eagle why it flies? Nope. Cause that’s what they were MADE to do. Steve Austin was made tae wear waistcoats, batter fuck out his boss, and soak everything within a 50 foot radius of him in beer. He CAN do other things, but asking him to would be a waste of everycunts time. Asking Virgil to show up at an autograph signing and actually sign some autographs would be fuckin daft anaw. He goes to those things tae be photographed looking miserable and lonely. That’s what he was made to do in professional wrestling, and Jimmy Havoc was made to do something in professional wrestling also. Jimmy Havoc was made to make you hate him with every fibre of your being.
ICW returns to London on Sunday, and that means a number of things. First thing it means is that I might die. I’ve crunched the numbers, and my chances of dying by getting lost in London and being bludgeoned tae death by Boris Johnson and his extremely pointy elbows increase by 100% when I’m actually in London. Second thing it means is that ICW’s coming tae fuck shit up. With a stacked card, a tidal wave of Scottish charm, and an intention tae introduce the concept of ‘gettin chibbed wae a two heided dildo’ tae the London crowd…expect big things. You might have a wee glance at the card and see no ICW Title match…think to yersel “eh whit?” and decide to watch the world cup final in a pub where the bar’s covered in actual real life herpes instead, but fear not, cause the third, and perhaps most important thing, is that Chris Renfrew is in a match with Jack Jester, and Chris Renfrew has a title opportunity any time he fuckin pleases, so if Chris Renfrew decides tae pull a colt 45 out his back pocket, shoot Jack Jester in the head, and cash in right there and then. He is more than entitled to do so. Legally it might be a bit of a grey area like, but the point is, the belt very well might be defended. Even if it isnae, we’ll have 4 guys with death wishes battering each other until there’s no fluid left in their bodies, so ye can fully expect London to be left covered in blood, sweat, pish and probably a wee bit of spunk anaw. Like the dirty midden that it is.
I’m personally going down for two days cause I don’t like money, so if ye fancy buying one of my organs aff Ebay between today and tomorrow, that would really help buy a round when I’m down there. Last I checked it was £5.50 a pint. Even that’s just an empty glass, that yer encouraged tae fill with rain water or yer own tears. Tears you’ll shed as you’re served with a court order to pay the £2000 bill ye got fae Wetherspoons for a plain hamburger. Not getting where I’m going wae this patter? London’s expensive mate. Read between the lines.
Fuck the World Cup Final.
Stevie Boy and Greg Burridge vs The London Riots (ICW Tag Title Match)
Are the belts still on the line here aye? I was hugely excited about this yin anaw, cause as much as I vehemently hate The London Riots, they’re fuckin good. A pair of combative big bruisers, and more importantly…a proper tag team. A cohesive unit of bad bastards. The Bucky Boys also fall intae that category, and both teams are part of an incredibly impressive tag scene in the UK at the moment, so it’s a shame Daveys injury serves to deprive us of this stoater. I won’t lie, I don’t know much about Greg Burridge other than he’s supposed to be fucking good at what he does, so I imagine the match will still be stoatin. No sure if the lineup change increases or decreases the chances of the belts staying in London though. Really depends if there’s plans to book The Riots more regularly eh? I’d fuckin love that tbh, cause as much as my adult cynicism tends to dull any dislike I have for wrestlers, particularly ones from the local indie scene, who appear to be hard-working, decent cunts no matter how unpalatable their wrestling characters seem to be; I manage to successfully despise the Riots. I feel like they’d call me a ‘jock cunt’ and ridicule my fat hamstrings, and even if I tell them my hamstrings urnae that fat, they’d persist until I developed a complex anyway. Fuckin bully boy bastards. But aye. Buckies (or one Bucky and a Burridge as I’m gonnae be calling them) will likely retain.
Grado vs Sha Samuels
This was supposed to happen at the first London show, but Sha Samuels seemed tae be a bit preoccupied making new pals, and proceeding tae batter fuck out of Grado with the help of said pals. Grado had some stellar pals of his own though, as Noam Dar and Wolfgang emerged to take on Sha, Jackie Polo and Rob Cage. This time we’re gonnae get the big guy wae the braces going one on one wae the Grado-one (fuck me, that has tae be the worst patter I’ve ever hit out wae on this blog…I’ve been doing this for over a year mate, I’ve hit out with some honkin shit, but that has to be a candidate for the worst yet, utterly shameful man)
I’ve seen a decent amount of Sha Samuels lately, and he’s a captivating big fella. Proper nasty looking cunt, but technically excellent. Seems the type that would heider ye and knock ye clean out if ye started getting wide wae him in the pub, then he’s calmly wipe your blood from his forehead, sit back down, and continuing doing the right wordy crossword in The Guardian. Cannae see past a Grado win though, because Grado is over as fuck down in London, and if folk are gonnae volunteer to miss a World Cup Final (fuck the World Cup Final though) they want tae see the Stevenston dream land a few haymakers, a wee shake rattle n roll, a bionic elba tae the coupon, mibbe the wee boot/F5 combo (finisher daft) and up the road with the victory in his back pocket.
Joe Coffey vs Noam Dar
I’m no gonnae say a great deal about this. I had a big thing typed out, and it just didnae fit. This speaks for itself really. A match which for some reason has either never happened before, finally gets to see the light of day in London town, as opposed tae you sitting fantasy booking it in yer heid. That sounds a wee bit homoerotic right enough, sittin picturing guys in their pants gettin sweaty; but this is in the name of two of the most talented wrestlers in the country finally getting tae pit their wits against each other. Two of the finest young talents in the whole of Europe having a bit of a grapple for our viewing pleasure. I have only one hope for this, and that hope is that it’s given plenty of time. Even if the finish is full of interference, or Noel Edmonds narrates it by reading his favourite monologue fae the Red Shoe Diaries, I want tae see at least 10-15 minutes of these two engaging in a wrestling masterpiece.
I just cannae see any other outcome than that. A masterpiece. On the odd occasion, two brilliant wrestlers can come together and not have the chemistry most folk expected, but if that’s the case here, I’ll pull ma left ear aff and eat it in front of 500 or so Londoners. Don’t gie a fuck mate. I’ll dae it, and the pain I get from doing that wont even come close tae the pain I’ll feel at the match not meeting my admittedly sky-high expectations. This is gonnae be fuckin AMAZIN. And I really don’t care who wins, cause I love them both equally. If I had tae pick one match between two Scottish talents that we’d yet tae see, it would be this, and considering Drew Mcintyre is a free agent right now, that says a lot.
Aye…mind I said I wisnae gonnae be saying a great deal about this? I lied.
BT Gunn vs Wolfgang
Easily one of my favourite matches of the year when they went at it in Newcastle, seemingly a match we had waited on for the best part of a year, so it’s quite the fuckin privilege to have it happening again so soon. BT Gunn has been having nothing but stoaters for a good while now, and Wolfie seems to have the same momentum he had when he was right at the forefront of the hunt for the ICW Title last year, so this one will be another storytelling classic. The match in Newcastle saw BT gain the win when he cracked Wolfie with Renfrews briefcase, so I expect the big man to have plenty of hauners on standby to ensure this one goes off without a hitch. I fancy Wolfie to win it, evening up the score between the two, setting up a “next goals the winner” type situation where they inevitably go at it again to determine who rules the roost. Who’s it tae be? Will it be the guy that once chopped a trainee so hard, he jump back up his maws fanny for shelter, or the guy who flung his cousin fae 30 feet in the air, down to a baying mob, made up mostly of men who kinda wanted tae kill him. I wouldn’t be quick tae mess with either of these unhinged cunts anyway.
Darkside vs Damian O’Connor
This was perhaps my favourite match from the last London show. Purely because I didn’t expect to be seeing it and it was quite honestly a fuckin belter. That German Suplex James Scott pulled off when Damo was clinging to the ropes might be my favourite move of the year. The shock value of it fuckin blew me away. This will be similarly brilliant, and if he’s in the area, I could see some Joe Hendry involvement clouding it, cause ye fuckin know Damo and him are not done by a long shot. Especially considering the fact that he saw fit to marr the big hitting war Damo and Joe Coffey engaged in down in Newcastle, with a sleekit count handing Joe Coffey the win (after a move which might have got him the win anyway) Either way, I fully anticipate another intriguing match, involving a bear being flung haufway tae Camden taaaaaaaooown via another jaw dropping German Suplex, and that bear no being very happy about the situation. Should I stop referring tae Damo as a bear? If it offends ye big man, let me just say, it’s not intended to. It’s just a laugh cause yer really big, really hairy, and you spend yer winters up the loft sleeping 20 hours a day, and spending the other 4 eating the severed limbs of any motorists who have ever aimed an obscene gesture in your direction. Also, I fancy Darkside tae win, although I’m no hugely confident in that one, cause for a really huge, and seemingly immovable big bastard, Damo has had his fair share of losses since emerging as a true heavyweight wrecking machine in ICW. Know what keeps scary bastards looking scary? Clean pinfall victories mate. Clean pinfall victories, and a solid murder rate. At least 2 or 3 a month, tae keep the levels of fear up.
Mark Coffey vs Kenny Williams (ICW Zero-G Title Match)
It was kinda inevitable that Kenny would find himself in the Zero-G Title picture eventually, and he has a cracking in-ring rapport with Mark Coffey, so we’ll inevitably see some mouthwatering shit here. I’ve got a sneaky wee feeling we’ll see a Coffey vs Coffey feud in ICW before long, so we might see Kenny take the belt eventually, to facilitate that at some point in the future (Thats a feud that really disnae need the Zero-G Belt to make it special if ye ask me, but who’s askin me? Naecunt. I asked myself, and proceeded tae answer myself. Cause this is my thing, and I’ll dae whit I want) but I cannae see it happening right now. I reckon these two have got a few braw matches in them, having seen them go at it at a recent SWA show, they have all the tools to produce something that captures yer attention in a one on one feud. Another sneaky wee suspicion I have here is Joe Hendry interfering out of jealousy at Kenny being given a title shot ahead of him, and that finally leads tae Kenny splitting from the Kennedy Administration, starting up a wee Kenny vs Hendry feud. So aye, I feel like this has been more patter about what might happen in the future than the match itself, so I’ll finish off by saying it’ll be really good. Like ye know how puttin eccies and pepperoni on a pizza and calling it Eccieroni Pizza is really good? It’ll be the wrestling equivalent of that.
Jack Jester and Jimmy Havoc vs Chris Renfrew and Dickie Divers
I wisnae sure about this when it was announced, but as the event draws closer and they continue to etch it in some brilliant storytelling, I’m actually right fuckin intae it. I dunno if thats maybe partly down to seeing Jimmy Havoc work masterfully as a villain in PROGRESS and being absolutely fuckin thirsty tae see him adopt a similar character in ICW via a heel turn here, or maybe its fully down to the wildcard element of Renfrew having a free shot at knocking fuck out of the guy who he has a contract for a title shot against at any time. So he can either wear him down in the match, which will inevitably descend intae blood soaked chaos. Or he can wait tae the match is finished, survey the landscape (and by that I mean…make sure he’s still got a pulse) and if he sees fit, he can pull oot a crossbow and shoot an arrow throw Jesters heart. Deid guys dont kick out. Unless they’re convulsing or somethin. In fact aye.Thats the trouble with that. I’ve nae idea how long it takes deid bodies tae go fully deid, so there’s a chance Havoc could get his tag partner tae safety, and Jester would become the first reigning ICW Champion wae nae heartbeat.
Seriously though, it’ll be a brutal match and there have already been suggestions far pretty much everyone involved in it, that Jester and Havoc cannae trust each other, and they know they cannae trust each other, so that leaves it wide open for some heel turning, belt grabbin, highly violent action. Can Chris Renfrew trust Dickie Divers? Is the sky blue mate? The NAK are more than a stable, they’re a fuckin brotherhood, and no matter the outcome in their respective matches, they will leave their stamp on London. A dominant stable who don’t monopolise every single segment on the show. Refreshing eh? I fancy Jester and Havoc to remain a cohesive unit, but they’ll be a cohesive unit left lying in a heap by the time this is is over. Will Jester emerge fae that heap wae the gold? We shall see.
ICW came, saw, conquered and came again when it rolled intae London last time, and England’s capital can expect another arse toe-ing, diddy slapping war this time around.
Tickets are still on sale, so get yersel along. Fuck the World Cup Final.
Either get them on the door or via this link.
After a brief Q and A last month, I sat down with Chris Renfrew properly this time to fire some extremely important and heavy journo-y questions at him. I say “sat down with” but that’s bending the truth slightly, I sent them tae him over Facebook at half 1 on a Tuesday morning, but the man had some important shit tae say, and sometimes the most vital things in life get spilled over Facebook. I’ve given a few folk my life story for free over that fuckin thing, said some things tae some burds I shouldn’t have anaw, but this isn’t about me and my various misadventures. It’s about Chris Renfrew, it’s about upcoming projects, it’s about two heided dildos, it’s about Street Justice and its about the NAK taking over the fuckin world. It’s also a wee bit about wrestling wae giants, and you might be surprised to hear its a wee bit about Damien Demento. Its eclectic. Informative. Heroin for the soul. Fuck knows. Read it….
“Tell us the whole fuckin story!”
The line which started the evenings festivities off would become the unachievable goal. How the fuck can ye put the events of that show intae words that accurately depict the organised chaos that unfolded? Ye just cannae. I’ll dae my fuckin best, don’t get me wrang, but it aw went by in a beautiful haze tae me. I don’t think anyone in that building on Sunday night wisnae utterly gripped by fuckin….everything. Every wrestling show I’ve seen until last night had some sort of lull. Even if its brief, there’s ALWAYS somethin that makes ye think “wish they’d hurry this up” but that lull didnae exist on Sunday night. All that existed was a permanent rush, and people occasionally collapsing wae pish runnin doon their legs in excitement/shock/abject horror. Wrestling is beautiful. Wrestling should be yer happy place. If it isnae…make it yer happy place. Make ICW and Scottish Wrestling in general yer happy place.
The evening began wae a quick brief from ICWs top brass. The guys in black suits that’ve swung mare golf clubs at baws than Tiger Woods. ICW owner Mark Dallas, his chief lieutenant Chris Conscience, Sweeney and various other hired killers. One of the men in the ring was former ICW roster member and resident ‘bag ah washin’ Jamie Feerick, who was there tae plead for a return to the fold, and was swiftly bounced oot the ring by Sweeney, flung wae such venom that he when he stood up he found himself at the bar in Box orderin himsell a Jackie Polo tae calm doon. The main point in the whole saga was for Dallas tae reveal that ICW will be running shows at Studio 24 in Edinburgh EVERY FUCKIN SUNDAY during the fringe, meaning along wae getting tae see aw yer usual homegrown talents, ye get a weekly fix of a certain Mr Cabana. I’d imagine a lot of Glaswegian kidneys will be going on the black market around that time cause we’ll aw be in dire need of cash if we’re moving tae Edinburgh, unless somecunts got a mile long couch we can aw kip on.
Aye so…after that there happened tae be a wrestling show, and it was a wee bit special
Still Smokin’ will be like an adults only version of Pat Sharpes fun house. A whole lotta fun, prizes tae be won, its ICWs new crazy show, where anything goes! (cept instead of prizes, its belts, and this intro falls on its arse if yer not a child of the 90s) I spose I thought that analogy works cause Fun House is fairly choatic n that, and ICW is along the same lines, I dunno, I didnae really think this through, but aye! card’s armed tae the teeth, there’s gonnae be technical wrestling, wrestling where ladders are used as devices of destruction and probably some wrestling that isnae on the originally scheduled card. Basically if yer intae wrestling, ye’ll be intae this, cause its wrestling from top tae bottom so it is. Did I mention wrestling aye? Aye good.