I know Matt Hardy has a wee belly right, I know this. But why does he move like he’s got led in his erse? I’m serious mate. Why does he move like he’s dragging a trailer fulla pig guts by his ankles? Naw seriously mate. Why?
He didnae always move like that. Used tae be quite spritely in fact. Like a young Marty Jannetty, or a really auld, kinda burst version of Ricochet. Where did it all go wrong? Did he no realise that the concrete mix he was snackin on would turn tae actual concrete when he drank water? Its a complicated saga, and tbh, it felt like the only topic I could cover today, having broken my brain yesterday writing a 7500 word dissertation about PROGRESS – Chapter 13. I considered stopping The Daily Thing, cause its served its purpose. It got me into a better routine writing wise, so I probably will gie it the chop soon, or at least change it to weekly or suhin, but I dunno. I just felt like this topic had to be covered. Someone has tae dig a bit deeper intae this.
Is it Litas fault? When ye find out yer burd’s shaggin yer pal, its always devastating, but did her betrayal make his vital organs slowly turn intae bags of pound coins?
Does he permanently need a shite? He’s got that ‘guy needin a shite’ waddle about him when he goes for any sort of move that requires him to shift faster than walking pace, so it might be that. Maybe he didnae even put on weight at all, he’s just been constipated for 10 years. Doctors official diagnosis at this stage is “Yer probably gonnae burst son” and he’s ok with it. His soul died a long time ago, so really, what else is there for Matt Hardy. He’ll keep on dragging his ledden erse round ROH and indie rings. Even the odd TNA ring as him and Willow get the old band back together, but will we ever find out why Matt Hardy moves like a much fatter man than he actually is? Does anyone actually give a flying fuck?
I’d like tae take this opporchancity and reach out to Matt. On the off chance that ye google yer name and find this ‘article’ please get in touch. If its emotional issues that make ye slow on yer feet, I’d like tae help talk it out wae ye. If its something grotesque and physical, I’d love the opportunity tae rip the piss out ye for it. If its cause ye swallowed a whole bag of flour for a dare and yer stomach’s baking bread….I’d like a slice of that bread mate.
Holla at me.