My Names Martin Smith, and I have bipolar disorder

It was always too scary to think about. When I was 15. Alone. Pacing around my room. Overthinking every interaction that’s happened to you that day. They all must hate you. Your mum doesn’t even like you but she has to tolerate you. Dad too. It was all so lonely and so very low for long spells and then it would all get so fuckin fast. Heart racing, bullet just about to land on yer jaw type of adrenelaine.

Everything’s a problem that needs fixed NOW. Everything needs to be in order. Organised. Yet somehow everything constantly stays messy because you move about so much and pick up so many things just to put them down somewhere different so the mess never stops. Lose a key? You are the worst person in the world for losing this key and if you don’t find it you’ll get another row for being irresponsible. Forgetful but so productive when its channelled right. Destructive as fuck when its not.

The point in that wee bit of speil I guess is just to come to terms with the fact that I’ve been aware of bipolar disorder since I was that age, had a decent grasp on what it was and truth be told I’ve always known. Doctors have asked countless times if I was ever considering suicide and I always said no. I never wanted to admit to the manic spells so I accepted depression and tackled that when it’s never really been that.

Things that have happened during this horrific time have profoundly affected my life. The world is crumbling and black people still can’t feel safe to walk the streets without having some fuckin psychopath choke them to death. I lost my way and it came back. First the depression. Sleeping in till 4pm and being glad for it because it meant the day ahead would be over sooner. Then came the mania

I realise no being able to sleep isn’t a bipolar diagnosis by any stretch but sleeping 5 hours in 4 nights and still being able to sit here and write something semi cohesive isn’t normal. Writing over 300,000 words worth of blogs in a year isn’t normal. The manic stuff can be productive but its only because channelling it into a passion chases the dark thoughts away. I’d rather have 100,000 thoughts about wrestling running through my head at the one time than a constant stream of negative feedback I never fuckin asked for. When your thought process is so fast you can’t control it, its a very scary thing for that thought process to be telling you that you are useless in every way. A stain on society. Scum. Everyone would be better off rid of you anyway you clown. Go jump in front of a bus and save everyone a lot of hassle.

But I know its not like that. I know that a small pocket of people I cherish would be devastated by losing me. I’m picking this article up after a 14 hour sleep and completely re-organising my room as soon as I woke from that sleep because that’s what bi-polar disorder is. Its everything and nothing at the same time but the feeling of it all is so much more extreme.

That’s why I feel even my closest pals are sick of me because there’s constant intrusive voices telling me that every single thing I’ve done in my relationship with these people is wrong and they hate me for it but I now know thats not true and I know theres medication out there to treat this condition that I am not self diagnosing. This is a condition I know I have and having the blessing of having a partner who has studied this shit for over 5 years and got a masters in distinction done me the kindness of monitoring me when my behaviour changed and as soon as I said I felt I may be bi-polar she just nodded and told me she feels I show a lot of the signs. I know I do. I know I have it. I am at peace.

If you are a person sitting there feeling any of this hits home then do whatever it takes to keep yourself there. Wrestlers too. Guys I know the community was ripped apart by Adrian’s death but it will not be in vain. We will educate people in the industry that feeling low is ok and there’s support from peers and professionals that can keep your outcome being the same as one of the most talented wrestlers this country or any country has ever seen. Its just so endlessly sad that he was the only one who couldn’t see it. I have an interview with Jackie Polo recorded that I jus’t haven’t been able to write up yet because it is so packed with that feud and every single bit of what Adrian brought to this scene. So guys, if you’re reading this keep the fuckin chin up and remembering you’ll be out there doing your thing soon

I’m gonnae make a career of writing about this industry and knowing that settles me so much. This is my job.

I’m gonnae finish this off just by saying im here if you need me. Even if I dont know ye fae Adam. I’ve got my people. I’ve got my partner for life who has basically nursed me through a near death experience all while struggling herself. Wonderful parents. Four of the best pals a guy could ask for (and many more but four bestos) including my brother from another mother who’s just experienced the highest high life can bring, my Sellik bretheren and fellow Wolfe Tones fan who loves gettin me drunk, and my special big guy who shares my love of Chris Jericho and a handsome lookin dude. Then there’s the lassie one who I recently told that I really all women just beautiful and if i was a single man I’d totally winch anyone who identifies as a woman as long as they fancy me and I fancy them. That’s true pal shit. Then there’s the mother and father who have worried about me endlessly and seen me fall apart but have been right there to pick me back up again. I will be fine. I will fight this. And to Drew, just…..thank you.

Wrestling With Depression In Isolation

This article isnae really about anything so I wanted the photo to be something in wrestling that makes me happy. A lot of folk fire digs at ICW these days and everyone has a right to an opinion but it has always been an enjoyable wrestling product. A show that has often given me a bit of relief in depression filled days. I know at some stage I’m gonnae have a laugh at ICW and usually its Jack Jester and Sha Samuels who provide that.

Just a couple of pals from opposite ends of the social spectrum having the time of their fucking lives together and I’ll tell ye what, there has been some high quality tag matches throughout their run. Kez Evans and Leyton Buzzard have grown from prospect to fully patched in members of the main event mafia (I’ve been gettin in to sons of anarchy sorry) and both have offered engaging characters while improving week after week in the ring. I’m no really sure if this is a wrestling article but those are indeed wrestling opinions.

I’ve never felt this bad. I think its important to admit that if this piece of writing will mean anything to anyone. I have not wanted to continue living my life. I was fired from my job because I have depression. I am so fucking lost. But I have people. Before I didn’t have people or any desire to find any but I have Emma. She has been incredible. I’ve cried. I’ve shook countless times. I’ve been snappy. I’ve been needy. I’ve been distant but shes stuck with me through it all despite the grief she has suffered recently.

That’s what keeps me going. My cousin Robert who is so used to being around people and doesn’t understand why he can’t see anyone. I’ll go see him from a safe distance for a wee half hour and make a difference to the world. I have to be doing something or its just constant. The self doubt. The suffering feeling that you’ve wasted it all. Every single step has been a mistake. But this one wasn’t. Writing about this art-form. This sport. Whatever you want to call it. It has changed my life for the better and that’s what keeps me coming back to it.

I met my best friend who joined a team of best friends that I bonded closely with by going to ICW shows. I miss that but I realise life moves on. I met my missus because she followed me on twitter and saw me on a night out after and ICW show where I was steamin and gettin people to chop me in the Cathouse. I was a wreck but she had DM’d me and I replied that night. She might tell ye I patched her that night but I will tell ye this; Aye I definitely did patch her but in my defence I’ve never been able to believe an attractive female would want anything to do with me and by fuck is she stunning. She disnae even realise how much she’s just. I’m just lucky as fuck and we’ve got through this shit together but right now this is a sticky patch for me and I’m hoping writing this does me some sort of good. Maybe reading it will do someone else some good.I hope so.

This shit has been hard man. I lost my job. I’ve no seen my nephew and niece in nearly 3 months when I was seeing them every other day for weeks before hand. Life has been turned upside down and my wonderful partner has had to deal with losing her gran to this horrendous disease. A disease that has tore the arse out this country because rich idiots decided we needed to keep the fitba on one more weekend. Lets just see what happens eh troops. A few thousand die? We’re trying our best. 50,000 die? at least we’re all clapping. Where’s the PPE? Where’s the security for the working man? Where’s a law that says people cant lose their jobs because a pandemic has knocked fuck out the world. Wrestling is still on and I’m appreciative of everyone who’s putting themselves at risk to produce entertainment at this time but I do find it hard to watch at times.

That’s why the slagging of NXT UK gets me because its just snobby. Its based on a judgement of what NXTUK’s existence has meant for everyones favourite promotion without giving the product even half a chance. I get it. I’ve been a snobby cunt about stuff before but look at that roster. Wolfgang, Tyler Bate, Mark Coffey, Joe Coffey, Dave Mastiff, Ashton Smith, Noam fuckin Dar, Flash Morgan Webster. Mark Andrews, Walter, The Other Imperium Guys, Kay Lee Motherfuckin Ray, Toni Storm, Viper and so on and so forth. Ye telling me they aren’t a top class collection of wrestlers and if they’re given a good platform to do their thing that they aren’t producing a weekly wrestling product worth watching? Cmon noo bro Yes this venture has absolutely hurt independent wrestling but people are getting a wage and getting better at their jobs. Don’t hate, appreciate.

I guess what I’m trying to say is its alright to be fuckin away with it right now. Smoke the jeebs, drink the beers, do the fuckin yoga. Just cope with it. That’s all we can do. I’m gonnae be quiet for while as I try and work my way through the worst spell of anxiety ive ever experienced. Anxiety attack after anxiety attack. I fell and have a stoater of a black eye because I was pished and decided to try n dae a rolly polly aff the toilet pan. I’,m struggling. I got the sack. If you’re struggling my brithers and sisters I am right there wae yees/ We can do this together. I’m gonnae do it by playing NBA 2k20. relaxing with a pretty lady, chatting to the main troops and just trying to get through it till I can see my sister, lil man and my lil lady again. I’m gonnae go see my wee gran anaw. I really want to interview Bret Hart Never take yer maw and da for granted. They have been absolute saints throughout this horrendous spell. The wind beneath my fuckin wings. Be safe and take care of each other.