His Name Is Joe Coffey

joeJoe Coffey used to have an interesting relationship with ICW. Fractious at best. Resentful at worst. He knew it had the potential to blow up, but it felt unattainable for him. There was too many ahead of him in the queue and there was no way for him to break down those barriers and get the spot his talent level deserved. For me Joe Coffey was so effective as a world hating heel in ICW because it was real. He really did feel that a lot of the show was a joke, and he probably did resent Grado enough to fuel the often palpable hatred he displayed for him during their short feud in 2013, but then Joe realised what had to happen. ICW would never have more than a mid card role for Joe as he was, and for the best wrestler in Scotland that had to be frustrating. Wrestling had never been JUST about wrestling though. As much as a lot of people wish it was, the amount of people who enjoy what the likes of Joe Coffey, Jack Gallagher, Mikey Whiplash, Doug Williams, Jackie Polo, Mark Coffey and Noam Dar do at their very best is far outweighed by the amount of people who will pay a score to see Sabu bleed, and that’s ok. Joe Coffey knew that if he was going to get the push he deserved he had to hover somewhere in between the pure wrestling style he favoured and the pure violence that became synonymous with the early days of ICW (and lives on with Chris Renfrew’s current attempts to physically and mentally dismantle Divers) He had to be a different sort of “tweener”. And he became the Iron Man.

joeIt was the feud with James Scott in the second half of 2013/first half of 2014 that changed it all for Joe. He went from having the most under-appreciated match of the card every month to being the focal point in the best wrestling feud ICW had seen in a long time. Every match was a classic. Not just because they had styles that meshed perfectly, but because they trusted each other to tell the story. For me, all the best wrestling feuds are the ones where both opponents put their complete trust in their opposite number, no matter how they might feel about that opponent personally. Without that mutual respect and trust, matches always seem choreographed and wooden. For me the best matches are the ones that look choreographed without that actually being the case. Two wrestlers completely in sync (this is starting to sound a bit romantic eh? why don’t yees just get a room ffs) James Scott and Joe Coffey had that and as Joe now stands on the precipice of becoming “the guy” its important to remember how much of a role the former 2 time ICW Champion played in that. People tend to forget, James Scott was the original “guy”. James Scott in the first incarnation of the Darkside character was the “guy” before most people knew how significant that was and for Joe Coffey to truly evolve into an ICW force, he needed to take out one of the kingpins. James Scott fitted the bill, and in the process of doing that, he had some of the matches of his career and it all ended in him finally having the that thing he needed to make him stand out.

Once the feud with Scott came to an end, Joe needed more scalps. That feud gave him a better footing in ICW and lead to the streak of his career. Overcoming Brian Kendrick at Still Smokin in what was as underrated a 10 minute opening match on a card as you’ll see, before taking out another former 2 ICW Champion during the run of Fringe shows, when him and BT Gunn knocked 11 shades of shite out each other at Studio 24. Mikey Whiplash is the latest former champion to fall at the feet of the Iron Man, but for me, before he gets the chance to raise that belt above his head as his very own, he needs the whole set. Every former ICW Champion sitting on his mantelpiece. He currently has three out of six, and if you look at the six ex champions individually, you see why each of them was chosen to be “the guy” at some point.

Drew Galloway was the first champion because he was a big handsome talented bastard. Darkside and BT Gunn were both 2 time champions because they were the guys who put on the best matches at that time. Red Lightning was champion to unite the audience in disdain for him as he pinned every cunt they ever loved. I’m no just talking favourite wrestlers either, he pinned yer maw, yer granny, yer favourite character oot Breaking Bad, My Blobby oot Noels House Party. Anyone you hold dear, he pinned that prick and called that prick a prick while he was doing it, before sticking the middle finger up at all the pricks in the crowd that thought it was going to end any other way. Then we had Whiplash. The wrestling genius who could make any type of match with any type of opponent work, and then we had the only guy with the widespread popularity with the ICW fans who could conceivably usurp Whiplash. Jack Jester. Each and every one of them served a particular purpose as champion, and now we’re back with Drew.

joeeeeICW want to go global. Thats not just buzzword bullshit. ICW want to provide a product that continues to embody all the things that made ICW popular in the first place, whilst adding bits and pieces that give the product more widespread appeal. Drew Galloway ticks all of those boxes and is undoubtedly the only person they could conceivably put the belt on that has the appeal to allow the title to be defended in so many different countries against such diverse opponents. These title defences are fairly hollow in the sense that you know fine well there’s fuckin nae chance Matt Hardy is becoming the ICW Champion, but the defences put ICWs name out there and if ICW are going to continue to grow and make an impression on wrestling in a wider sense, Drew needs that belt. Drew will continue to hold that belt for the foreseeable future and in doing so he’s going to break yer hearts quite often. The heroes that everyone adopted as ICW grew to what it is today will be the guys that Drew puts down. He already broke so many NAK hearts when him and Renfrew brutalised each other for 15 minutes before Drew eventually retained, and if you’re looking for a prediction from me (why the fuck wid ye be? I’m a helmet) my prediction is that Joe Coffey WILL be the next ICW Champion. But it wont happen at Barramania.

What will happen at Barramania will be one of the best ICW Title matches in the company’s history if its done right, and that is fucking exciting in its own right, because Joe is ready to be champ, and will be hell-bent in going out there and proving that, but this wee simmering feud with ICW GM Red Lightning, and the fact that Red is in the best shape he has been since he won the belt almost 3 years ago, leads me to believe that Joe will not prevail on March 29th. A lot of things will conspire against him to stop that happening, and Joe will have to topple ICWs new “authority” before he gets his hands on the gold, and whilst he’s doing that, Drew will be helping the company take over the world.

Once the world is conquered, and ICW sits on the mountain top. Then it has to be Joe Coffeys time. Joe Coffey adapted everything he is for ICW, and he done it without being best pals with anyone important. He achieved it with hard work, and dedication to making his skillset work in the environment and that’s a special thing. That willingness to adapt and evolve has been the driving force behind so many special things for Joe. More mic time at shows, more match time, more interesting matches. Being given the platform to put on wrestling clinics at EVERY big ICW show, and being given the platform along with Noam Dar to captivate audiences in 4 different cities in a 5 match series that reminded everyone who had the fortune of seeing it that Scottish Wrestling isn’t just blowing up because of cultural changes and mainstream media coverage exposing it to a wider audience, its blowing up because we have some of the best pro wrestlers on this fuckin planet. Nae offence to our Noam or anyone else, but Joe Coffey is the best of the bunch in my eyes, and when Joe Coffey stands opposite the most influential Scottish Wrestler of all time (who else has come close to the worldwide recognition that Drew has?) he will be standing opposite what he aspires to be. Without the same natural physical gifts as Drew was born with, Joe had to work hard to craft the character you see before you today. He had to learn what the audience needed from him and how he could provide that without sacrificing his own beliefs too much.

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So he became other worldly. He became a beast. He took that engaging work you see in the ring and applied it to his character. Every time a challenge has been put in front of Joe Coffey in the past 2 years in ICW, he has met and surpassed expectations and FORCED his way into this match at Barramania by earning enough support to be voted ICW wrestler of the year for 2014, amidst stellar competition from BT Gunn, who had also sparkled in every match he was in that year. Another former champion toppled. Validation from the fans confirmed, and now they sing his name louder and prouder than anyone elses. They do that because he’s the best. They do that because even though it might not seem logical that Joe takes the belt from Drew at this point, he makes them believe he can. They beat their chests with him, and buy in to everything he is, and whilst thats the case, they will make the atmosphere inside the Barrowlands fucking electric for that match. So much so that it might even will Joe to do the unthinkable, but even if he doesn’t do it at Barramania, there’s no doubt in my mind who your next ICW Champion is. He’s a wrestler. He’s a fair bit mighty. His name is Joe Coffey.

All credit for the brilliant photos to David J Wilson

ICW Square Go Review 2015 (Hauners From David J Wilson)

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Continue reading

The 8 Favourites To Win The 2015 Square Go According To Snapmare Necks

sqgoIt’s here again, so let the rampant speculation as to who might win the fucking thing begin. A rumble comprising 30 human people is usually seen as a bit of a lottery, but even though I’m going to talk about a lot of potential winners here, there’s one very clear favourite in my eyes. A guy you’ll hear a bit about later. Until then we’ll talk about some other, less bear-like people who will probably give it a right good go themselves. Best of luck to them all. All 29 of you combined can’t match the immovable centre of gravity a certain big Irish guy possesses, but I think I’ve sooked up his erse enough for now. He’s also very agile. Ok, now I’m done.

1. Mark Coffey

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He’s my favourite for the Joe Coffey iron man challenge, but that still doesn’t stop this being a possibility. In fact, sack this. I’ve decided to cheat…

1 (REMIX) – Polo Promotions

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Is counting all 4 of them as a single entity perhaps bending the rules when it comes to list making? Of course it is. Do I gie a fuck? Or ever comply to any rules and regulations when it comes to writing? No. Of course no. Snapmare Necks was built off a foundation of rule breaking and snappy catchphrases, and thats why we are Polo Promotions biggest advocates on the internet. So if its THE REAAAAAL DEAL Mark Coffey, SCOTLANDS BEEEEEEEST WRESTLER Jackie Polo, Shagger Of The Century DCT, or a guy wae a whistle COOOOOACH TRIP. It might be Polo Promotions no matter what. Because team-work makes the dream work.

2. Joe Coffey

joeWell he entered as a favourite after an Iron Man match last year, so why not this year? He has a title shot in his back pocket, so what the fuck does he have to lose. Even running off fumes, some daftys can still be clotheslined over some ropes. Not a fuckin worry.

3. Mikey Whiplash

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He who has won a Square Go. Knows how to eh…win another one. So aye. In fact, as much as Whiplash deserves individual praise, I’m gonnae cheat for this one as well. Hold on.

3. Anyone who has previously won a Square Go or high profile Battle Royal

Can we rule Renfrew out? How much of a Renfrew thing would it be to cash in, lose and just go “fuck it, I’m winning this yin anaw”. Red Lightning is getting all the column inches here anaw, but he is the king of sleekitness and could make it happen if he’s had his spinach after he beats Joe 18-0 in the Iron Man match, but aye. Whiplash. In that sort of shape, having already won the fucker before, and having a faint aura scary bastardness about him. Especially with the prospect of Tommy End and Dante uniting with him. In fact, ye know what. I’m gonnae cheat again. Hold on.

3. Anyone who has previously won the Square Go, and The Sumerian Death Squad + Whiplash

sdsAye. All of these people could do it. This list is a fucking mess now but nae regrets. On to the next. An Ayrshire lad named Noam fuckin Dar. Hold the fuckin tae yer married though.

4. Noam Dar 

noamProgress are running a show on the same day, and I’m quite lazy so I’ve not actually checked if he’s on that card. If he’s not, I’m making him my own personal second favourite to win this. Well obviously he’s my first favourite in life, but this here battle royal he’s picking up the silver strap…I mean…..medal? Aye. That. Purely because he’s wee, and this other guy’s heavy big, but in terms of making sense wrestling wise, Joe Coffey vs Noam Dar for the ICW Title on some card, somewhere is a thing that makes more sense than all the other things combined.

5. Grado

gradoHave I included Grado for a reason to use that amazing photo of him and Hardcore Holly? Perhaps. Is that any business of yours? Aye. Of course it is. You are the audience and your opinion matters. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. Will Grado win it? I seriously doubt it considering his hauners are few and far between (I’m about to cheat again here btw) I mean he has the Buckies and maybe Fito at a push, but pretty much everyone else would like to put him out, and also, so would the Buckies and Fito if the chance presented itself. Sometimes it disnae pay to be a celebrity Grado mate. Anyway, there’s also the added alement of BUCKIES VS SHA AND STONE, and that will be used as an excuse to cheat again…

5 REVISED – Grado and The Buckies vs Sha and Stone

sha toneIf that becomes an all out war, everyone else might be a casualty of that. Does any of this patter actually matter when I’ve not spoke about my favourite yet? Probably. It’ll matter to someone anyway, but aye. Dont count big Sha or Stone out, because battering Grado seems to rev their engines, and a revved engine is the best kind of engine for winning Square Go’s. Know what else is good for it? Bucky.

6. Kid Fite

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Fito has been cracking for around a year. I keep saying that, but it’s true. Watch his wrestling things and tell me otherwise. The difficult thing for Fito when it comes to winning something like this is that a pair of exposed baws might actually do him a lot of good. How keen are you to go near a guy with his baws out? Exactly. So whilst I understand why Fito wanted to move away from that side of his game, the fact of the matter is, a win’s a win. If you need to whap yer meaty clackers out and show them to a bunch of men in a ring with you, fuckin dae it.

7. Big Damo

damooo

And here we are. To my favourite. Would make more sense to list him last eh? None of this has made any sense anyway. It’s a top 8 and I’ve spoken about literally everyone with a chance apart fae maybe Divers. This is Big Damo’s to lose though. Simple as that, he’s the biggest, most imposing, most agile (for a bear), most angry, most hairy, most incredible, most experience in rolling beer barrels, most genetic likenesses to a wooly mammoth and last but not least, most likely to win the Square Go. I reckon it would make sense because he’s a believable winner/batterer in general, and he would be inclined to cash in the title shot in a straight up match because he’s not a shitebag, so it would stop the Square Go winner being a central storyline next year and leave it open to allsorts. As good as the Renfrew storyline has been, to keep it going for ages again would exhaust folk. So Damo is my personal favourite to win the fucker, and I was gonnae write that even before he pulled me up for not including him in the Joe Coffey article 😉

 

8. Kenny Williams

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So why keep Kenny Williams to last? Because he’s the most electrying man in Glasgow based sports entertainment? Aye. Thats exactly it. No gonnae dae that whole question talking thing for ages again and lead ye on, he’s purely last because he’s exciting and I want the reading experience to end on a high. How did ye find it anyway? I think typo wise its no bad, so that’s always good. Kenny keeps defending that title and winning those defences, so its natural that he should be looking to follow in the imaginary footsteps of the man he recently retired who claimed he intended to “take home all the titles…the heavyweight and the zero-g….because we know expected Joe Hendry, but instead its yer pal Kenneeee” I mean why the fuck not? Shawn Michaels can win a Rumble, Kenny Williams can win the Square Go.

SUPER SHOCK SURPRISE WAN

Jack Gallagher

Won The SWA Battlezone this year by making two Coffeys vanish. If that disnae make him a serious Square go contender, then I’m not the most entertaining Scottish wrestling blogger in the land. He might. But he probably wont.

To clarify, this blog is for entertainment purposes only. Any complaints regarding protocol can be referred to someone who gives a fuck. Enjoy the show everyone. It should be tremendous, and my body is ready. Is yours?

 

The Top 5 Potential Challengers To Joe Coffeys Iron Man Throne

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There comes a time in every man’s life where he has to face down his demons, look at them ruefully and go “ye fuckin whit mate? come ahead” There comes a time where a man must see a gargantuan challenge in front of him. A challenge almost as mighty as the man who issued it, and for once they don’t give in to the fear of the unknown. They don’t give in to the fear of Joe Coffey literally decapitating them with a lariat. That must lead us to ask. Who has the stones to step up and wilfully let Joe Coffey fling them about like wet washing for half an hour on Sunday? My best guess is naecunt. Or a lion wae 4 activated chainsaws taped tae its chest. However in this here article I will evaluate the potential human wrestlers who might actually sack up and grasp the opportunity to have the match of their life in front of 1,200 people, before Joe scurries away to Barramania so he can grasp that belt that has for so long seemed like its his destiny.

 

1. Lewis Girvan

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ICW are trying to get Lewis Girvan connected with the fans. The last Spacebaws show was a fine example of how established talent can you their status an in-ring ability to push an up and comer into the big leagues. It was also a fine example of how two guys can look exactly like each other, and there hasn’t been any sort of cloning process undertaken. I mean look at the who of them. They’re not even cousins or anything man. They come from two entirely different bloodlines and still look like fuckin THAT. They had a physically exhausting war that night, and Lewis Girvan’s stock has never been higher as a result. Add into the mix that Joe Coffey and Girvan had a wee bit of needle on commentary, and Joe delivered the sickest chop since Hardcore Holly chopped Renfrew wae live Piranhas taped to his palm, with Girvan at his mercy, makes this a sensible and intriguing possibility. Girvan is one of the few wrestlers in the country who could make half an hour of wresting Joe Coffey look like a fuckin breeze. Being the youthful wee bastard he is n that.

 

2. Mikey Whiplash

whippp

Look at the fuckin shape this cunt’s in. I’ve been criticised a bit of my overuse of profanity in these things, but honest tae fuckin cuntin fuck, look at the shape. If that’s not a cunt capable of having the fuck knocked out of him for half an hour by Joe Coffey, whilst also dishing out a few fuck knockers himself, then I don’t know what stamina looks like pal. Also, him and Joe have tremendous chemistry. I’m rating it being Whippy as unlikely due to them both sort of being good guys these days, but as a wrestling match, nothing makes more sense than Coffey vs Whiplash. Well actually, theres maybe one option that does, but we’ll get to him in due course. Calm the beans. Make yersell a mug of green tae and relax. We’re just getting started here.

3. Liam Thomson

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I’m going to write a thing about potential Square Go winners as well, and I opted for Liam on this list instead of that one. Could have done both obviously, but thats not the fuckin point is it. The point is, a guy like Liam Thomson, without any real allies bar Carmel, has very little chance of winning a thing like the Square Go. Storyline wise though? Nothing makes more sense than Thomson answered the challenge after he toppled Coffey at the last show thanks tae some expert sleekitness. So see if he fancies it? I reckon he has first refusal, and the match would be tremendous. If he doesn’t, I suppose he could dwell backstage, telling groupies how he carries Kid Fite all these years, and how Carmel once burnt the edges on his salami and stilton toastie, and he expressed mild disappointment in the form of a sigh as a result.

Liam Thomson is the guy not wearing sky blue chinos in the photo btw. That’s our Lou King Sharp. Yer wrestler’s favourite maw….or eh…..something……

4. Tommy End

tennd

Suppose you could call Tommy End the wildcard of the original list of 5 (spoiler…there is a proper wildcard at the end. I know eh! couldnae bloody help myself could I?) but how incredible would this fucking match be? Half an hour of two of the best heavyweights and Europe kicking the life out of each other, and selling a dazzling array of bendy lariats like their lives depend on it. This would not be a wrestling match, but a rich tapestry of storytelling, pappered by the crips crackling of spinal discs snapping via Boston Crabs and backbreakers. Aye. If Tommy End doesn’t answer the call, its SOMEONES duty to make this match happen at some point.

5. Mark Coffey

markCoffey

I won’t lie, as much as I’ve made an effort making this a decent read. If its anyone but Mark answering the call I’ll personally be gutted. A Coffey vs Coffey match, for HALF A FUCKIN HOUR, with the Iron Man crown on the line? Chuck a slice of Cotsco cake and a pint of Disaronno and Coke (I mean eh…BEER!) and that’s perfection right there. I honestly can’t shake the image of Joe Coming out. Iron Man out his nut. Music still playing. He grabs the mic to issue his challenge, but his music keeps playing. He thinks it’s a mistake. Urges them to “cut his music” and (for some reason) Red Lightning appears via sattelite to explain that “Joe, now think about it mate….thats not JUST your music now is it?” Penny drops. Out comes his very own flesh and blood to attempt to batter him for a solid half hour. Nae breaks. Nae corner teams this time. Non stop action. Fuck yer spitbuckets, the only spitting that should be happening is these cunts spitting their teeth out after they lariat each other intae premature dentures. MAKE THIS HAPPEN FOR FUCK SAKE. PLEASE. GOD.

SUPER MENTAL SURPRISE WAN

Red Lightning

riiidiidid

He’s in much better shape these days and it would be a decent way to re-introduce him to the audience as a wrestler. Particularly against an opponent who he knows well and knows he can have a good match with. Only question mark is stamina. Dropping some beef is fine, but wrestling a unit like Joe Coffey for half an hour requires more. It requires blending a full cow and drinking it as a milkshake (get it? good eh? naw? get tae fuck then) every day, and brushing yer teeth wae girders and rocsalt. It would be the only alternative to Mark Coffey that I’d personally mark out like fuck for though. Red Lightning is the Da.

Whoever it is, Joe Coffey could wrestle a a bit of hard skin aff yer Da’s heel and still make it something worth watching, so it’ll be a rare auld time regardless. No matter who it is, I’m fancying Joe to be standing opposite the ICW Champion at Barramania with his Iron Man crown still atop of his very own dome.

Credits to Warrior Fight Photography, David J Wilson, and probably other folk for the images. 

An Interview With Mikey Whiplash

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I won’t lie, this is the one interview in the world I never expected to get. Back when I didn’t take this quite as seriously as I do now, I don’t think Mikey Whiplash was a great fan of my writing. Which is sound. I think I won him over a bit, and I’d be utter shite at this if I didn’t at least try to get him to answer a few questions for us. He done so in a most entertaining manner. Continue reading

ICW Brush Your Goose Review

bgoooose Continue reading