WWE RAW Review 07/04/2014 (POST MANIA RAW..GET HYPE)

 

Sometimes I litter these wee intro’s wae shite talk. A wee long winded joke or suhin. Lets ye settle in and sets the tone for whits tae follow, but this show needs none of that. This show spoke for itself, and it spoke loudly and proudly. It spoke wae its baws oot, and it spoke whilst waving them aboot. This is the post Wrestlemania RAW, and as usual, it was a wee bit special.

We start off wae a stunning wee video package for Daniel Bryan. WWE always fuckin nail these things eh? The VT for the Wyatt vs Cena feud was magical anaw, and this yin pretty much filled ye in on the whole Daniel Bryan story for anyone who might not have been in the know. Shows ye aw the heely goodness that we’ve had fae Triple H n Stephanie McMahon, and builds it up beautifully tae the moment he finally took the belts for keeps at Mania. I shed a wee tear. Nae shame. Wrestling has me again. In its fuckin clutches, and I think if ye call yersell a wrestling fan and yer no in the same boat, its probably best that ye stop kiddin yersell on. This isnae for you if ye haven’t found yersell totally invested, and on the verge of emotional wreckage after something that happened at Wrestlemania. Its over for ye. Deid fae the soul up. Pointless going on really int it? Can ye even taste food? Dae ye even crack a smile when birds chirp a merry tune while ye walk? I don’t think this is for you. This ‘life’ ye claim tae be living. Cause whit is life without the wee things that make yer heart race, and get lost in dalliances wae shirtless antics. Whit is life without the moments that send aw yer blood, sweat, tears and spunk spillin oot every orifice. Whits the point? whit is life without wrestling?

Sorry I got a bit carried away there, but I’m sittin here watchin Daniel Bryan lead a packed arena in a thunderous YES! chant, and I’m gettin emotional mate. Its been a turbulent few months for me personally anaw, and I feel like me n DBry have emerged fae it aw together. Climbed oot the wreckage as bearded brothers in arms….triumphant. He lets them chant his name for a gid 2-3 hours, before we eventually hear fae the champ. The champ is here. He lets us know about the stuggles he’s faced having tae raise his arms wae that YES! chant wae a title in each haun. Too heavy. Then…aw man, I cannae greet again. I’m aw cried out. Tear ducts are wilting. A fuckin “you deserve it!” chant? Come on tae fuck. I couldnae handle it. Too much emotion. Too much everything. If ye were losing interest in Daniel Bryan and his pursuit of the belt, the emotion involved in this promo must have brought ye back. Surely it did. It had tae.

Then the Beak came oot wae his delectable wench in the wee black dress. Guys I’m mildly obsessed wae the idea of seein these two pump. No gonnae lie tae ye. I think it would be refreshing tae sit down and watch a celebrity sex tape that ye don’t feel a deep sense of shame about chuggin yersell daft tae it. Aw I really need is tae see if Steph is as flexible as I imagine. Basically I envisage a scenario where she can wrap her legs roon a Range Rover and no split hersell in two. That’s aw I need tae see, anyway..they’re out tae shout at DBry for a while, but Hunter vows no tae get in the ring incase he does something tae DBr he might regret. DBry stauns right in his coupon and hoists they belts towards the sky as they aw bathe in another magnificent YES! chant. Trips announces that his wee moment is just that…a moment, its his show, and he’ll dae whit ye wants, and dye know whit he wants? a title shot. So he went n gied himself wan in the Main Event TONIGHT. Cracker of a main event tae be announcing right enough, but it also made yer erse clench up real tight cause there wis a very real concern that it might end before it even gets started. A wee part of me has a right chubby over the prospect of Trips in aw his beaky heely glory, staunin over stricken DBry n lifting the belts towards the sky as he toasts World Title reign number 14 wae his most proficient burial of all, but see at the same time? naw. Lets no dae that. Yer time’s been and gone Trips ma man, Daniel Bryan is here tae be at the forefront of the new era, and the futre’s bright. The future’s beard.

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WWE WRESTLEMANIA 30 PREVIEW

wrestlemania-30

Its Mania. It’s the biggest show of the year. Its words about the biggest show of the year. Ye intae it? thats aw I’ve got tae ask ye ma man. Are ye intae it? Is Hulk Hogan gonnae be the hostess wae the mostest or is he gonnae slevver through everything he does and make the whole hing awkward as fuck? Whits Stone Cold gonnae be daein? will it be some backstage pish or is he gonnae stunner every cunt in that battle royal and win it for himself? Whits Brad Maddox gonnae be uptae, apart fae fillin jam jars wae the sweat he wrings oot his boxers? and last but not least, will we see CM Punk? Should we gie a fuck if we dae or no?

Aw these questions will be answered over the course of a 6 hour show. That’s right mate aye, 2 hour pre-show, 4 hour main card. 6 hours. 6 hours and we couldnae get a Cesaro vs Ziggler 60 minute iron man match in there somewhere. It’s a fuckin travesty.

Whitever man…wrestling.

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WWE RAW Review 31/3/2014

GONG!

Awrite Taker? I’m no wan for ripping the pish outta legends or that, cept for aw the other times I’ve done exactly that, but Taker gies it the “old guy fawin aboot at the front door while he looks for his keys” stumble on the way in the ring, and gies it the typa patter yer mad uncle hits ye wae when he pulls ye aside at a family party. Haverin some shite here wis he no? jesus fuck man. I hink he bumped this promo straight ootae the wee bin Bray Wyatt keeps in his locker room wae the word “SHITERS!” on it. Apparantely the only things ye can be sure of in life is death, taxes and the streak. The fuckin Undertaker said that. The phenom. A guy I’m sposed tae fear and respect, gien me da patter. Da patter that’s even worse than my ain da’s shite patter.

I cannae even kid ye on, I fuckin hated this for the most part. Its the first angle Heymans been involved in during this run as a manager where I’m no intae his words, and of the 3 folk involved, Brock Lesnar is by far the most entertaining. Screechin aw err the place, and lookin like he’s shat his skants. Heyman gies it some patter, before Brock teases gaun intae the ring. There’s a lot of bobbin aboot ringside and tae me this shit wis draggin fuckin errrrrrrse. Its the last RAW before Mania ffs, lets rumble boayzies! Eventually efter tap dancin for a bit, a Heyman distraction gies Brock the opening tae get in amongst it. He sneaks behind Taker, but Taker is wise tae it and gets a jab or two in, but Brock isnae tae be bested this time. Knocks the auld bag ah bones doon wae a double sledge, before hoisting him up for a quite magnificent F5. Once again Brock fuckin Lesnar is the guy I care the most aboot, which is quite a remarkable turnaround considering I didnae have a minute of time for the cunt a year ago. He wont end the streak, but he left me kinda hoping he does here, so fair play tae the big boulderheided cunt.

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WWE RAW Review 10/03/2014

Bryan

“WE GOT US SOME ANNOUNCEMENTS JACK!”
“It’s Martin…ma name’s Martin”
“Alright brother, we got us a memorial rope trophy royal brother. 30 humans enter a bull pen, and the last man standing turns into Andre The Giant brother, yeah brother Jack”
“Whit you even on aboot?
“I dunno, I blacked out about 10 year ago and everything since has been confusion Jack!”
“Many times dae I huv tae tell ye, ma name’s Martin”
“Yeah brother. Like I told that chick I slayed in that porno movie I was in, if you not Jackin, then you aint my brother Jack! Brother Jack Jack brother, Hulkamaniacs”
“Mate you’re away wae it”
“MEMPHO!!!!!”

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WWE RAW Review 10/02/2014

henry

 

Betty White was a guest on RAW this week, and as much as a respect how much life she still has in her at 92, my overriding thought throughout was “whit?”

She comes oot, arm n arm wae Big Show, and its revealed that they’re dating, and Betty is expecting tae give birth tae a foot any day now. Trips n Steph interrupt this vile shit, tae show off just how fuckin shapely Stephs lookin these days, and tae gie the expectant mother a wee cuddle. Big Show shoots them heavy growlers, cause his role in this wee melodrama is that of the protector. Guarding his spawn, and his maiden in the face of danger. Erroneously Triple H n Steph think being nice tae Betty White gies them permission tae say words, and have me listen tae them. Triple H is aw “we said we’d CONSIDER Daniel Bryan to be the face of the company if he could beat Orton, no that he wid be for sure” and a man in the crowd is aw “I feel misled!” Me tae man in the crowd, me tae, and much respect tae ye for conveying yer feelings in a controlled manner.

Orton interrupts them by sliding down tae the ring on a slipstream of the “Arabian Beauty” body mist that gies him that rapey shimmer. Stephanie urges Randall tae get the fuck outta there, and Randy urges her to remain calm. He wisnae gonnae handcuff her husband tae the ropes, and gie her a sly winch this time.  It wisnae good. I dont care for his words. Disnae matter if he shouts them, whispers them, or dictates the fuckin things tae Morgan Freeman. They’re shite words. He wants tae be on cereal boxes and billboards. Daniel Bryan chants ring out throughout. Nae…cunt….gies….a….fuck.

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