Its Raw time bitches. It’s no really because I’m writing this review a few days after. Let’s pretend. Pretending is fun. See, this paticular Raw had me baffled, I didn’t understand because 1. it was the most mediocre Raw of the year and 2. It was the most thrilling tragically beautiful Raw of the year. How can a show be both these things? I don’t know how, but it happened. Vince must have been like ‘right boays, let’s make everyhin shit, cept the last few minutes, we’ll make that gid’. That’s truly what I believe happened. I won’t give the surprise away in case you’re the only person in the whole world who never saw what happened.
Beak, Nae eyes and dunderheed aka Evolution are out to cut a promo. Trips says the shieldsies think they won, but Evolution will continue to fight until they ceast to exist. Batista’s no chuffed though, he’s wanting to know when he’ll get his title shot that Trips promised him, says he’s sick of the Shieldsies. Trips reminds him that he is the leader, but Batista doesn’t care, he wants his title shot tonight. Trips tells him wee Dbrys injured. He says Batista won’t want to be remembered as a guy who can’t end a fight and once they take the shieldsies down, he can have whatever he wants but until then no one is getting anything. Batista quits, does a wee wave and walks out. Trips is raging, tells him to run back to Hollywood but not to return when he flops.
RAW is the same show every fuckin week lately, and I’m getting sick bothering my arse aboot it. Don’t mistake this kinda grumpy start as the tone of this review eh? I’ll make it as sunny and hilarious as humanly possible as we go on, but I’d like tae say right away, that its gettin extremely difficult tae pretend tae be invested in RAW as a weekly show, when its full of the same shite. Same injustices. Same everythin, different toon. Yer client Brock Lesner conquered the streak, Daniel Bryan might get fucked over, and will certainly get a doing aff Kane. Big E and his marvellous bouncy chebs remains underutilised. Drew Mcintyre remains in the best shape of his life, so he can job to various Mexicans of various statures, and fuckin Batista. Aw the time. Batista in ma face wae his stupid tattoos and popsocks. I hate ye Dave. Ye’ve got considerably fitter and more able in the ring wae every passing week since yer comeback and I still hate ye wae a fiery passion. Fuck ye and yer permanently mistimed shanner of a spear.
Rock tha Micra-phone.
Stereo…with the Dean Ambrose
When RAW starts wae Dean Ambrose on the mic, RAW starts aff properly. RAW starts aff the way god intended. His words weren’t spectacular. He told us The Shield are up more than they’re down, which is quite obviously a reference tae whit kinda swedge they’re intae, but he delivers the words in a way that makes me wantae tattoo his name on the back of my haun and go about slapping folk tae they get the message. Dean Ambrose is the guy. He will have justice one day.
Justice for Ambrose
Whit an extra special treat yees are in for btw. Fuckin THREE Extreme Rules reviews gaun on this here site mate. Three. Will three dae ye? Is three enough? TOUGH SHITE IF IT ISNAE. The option of upgrading to 5 is not available, cause this is literally everyone I know.
Anyway, here’s my attempt. It probably wont be as thorough as previous ones cause I cannae be arsed, and I figure if I miss anything important, one of my staff will pick it up. I widnae call them reliable, or even competent but they are human beings with feelings so don’t judge their substandard efforts too harshly eh…with that being said…FUCK THE RIOTS. 😉 (in this case Davie and Connie are the Riots, cause ye see, they’re a coupla fuckin riots! thats the joke)
Fine. I’ll review a fuckin wrestling show then.
Ah Cena. What a puzzle you are big yin. I went through an intense period of being mibbe overly pro-Cena for a bit there. I’d find myself waking up in the middle of the night wae dynamite ideas for slogans and once I’d jotted down the idea, I’d slowly walk towards a blackboard and write “Its ok if ye cannae dae a hurricanrana, it really is, I accept you” repeatedly tae the chalk became nuhin but dust. Ever since he entered this feud wae Bray Wyatt its aw changed. Don’t get me wrong, I respect the fuck out of Cena, both as a wrestler and as an ambassador for wrestling, but as a character? Naaaaaaah. No for me on this occasion. At times he’s been masterful at selling his fear for the work of Bray Wyatt, but since Mania the cunt has made me want surgically remove that square hairdo (square-do?) of his wae a machete. He just stoated oot this week n started saying “why?” ….why whit John? Why are you so acutely unaware of what wrestling fans want outta ye? Why is the sun round? Why does Bob Backlund always look like he’s stoatin about a car park lookin for his Ford Focus, when he’s drove a Cavalier aw alang? Who gies a shite. He actually cut a decent promo here right enough. His best since Mania. After lamenting the WWE Universes decision tae make him face all 3 Wyatts last week. He goes on tae big up everyone fae Daniel Bryan tae Sami fuckin Zayn, before warning us about the dangers of buying in tae Bray Wyatts message. Bray Wyatts message on a larger scale wisnae important the night though, he had a particular message tae be sendin Cenas way tonight, and that message wis “STOP EVERYTHING YER DAEIN AND IMMEDIATELY PISH YER JEAN SHORTS!”
Aye. Bray had a squad of weans oot singing He’s Got The Whole World in his hands, and it wis…..I don’t really have the words. Naw I dae. It wis fuckin scary. Chilling in the best way. They surrounded the ring in sheeps masks, like a merry band of tiny Erick Rowans, and continued tae drive home the message. Even the weans dont want ye anymore John. I mean there’s a gid chance this particular squad of weans are hired actors n that, but the message is that naecunt wants ye anymore. Yer time’s up. Yer tea’s oot. Its over. Find a new profession.
The way Bray almost narrated whit wis going on, as he urged the “Little bitty babies” tae sing with him. Laughin maniacally while one of them sat on his knee. “He’s got the whole Cenation…in his hands” was the cry, and even if that isnae quite the case yet, that has tae be the aim eh? Get aw these daft bairns that wear the wristbands, the heidbands, n the fuckin nappies or whitever else they sling wae his slogans on it, and turn them intae demons. Make them grow beards, get weird and disappear intae the mountains. Make them follow the buzzards.